Bad News

People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over -Jim Morrison.

It was January 6th, 2015, morning (since one of my 2015 resolution is always wake up at dawn, because I used to wake up at 9 or 10 AM lately).

Mama got a call from autie after Subuh. It was about my grandma (my mama’s mom). She said that her illness is getting worse. I barely know what kind of illness that she had, because what I know, she didn’t have any kind of it. She was a relatively-healthy-grandma at her age (72 years old).

And then Md and me went to a Library. Couple hours later, about 4.45 PM, mama called. She told me. I felt shocked and Istighfar word came out from my mouth. And then I said Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi roji’un in my heart, surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return. And my mind just flashed back to when grandma was here, couple months ago. I’m so sorry  If I never done anything that make you proud of me.

I came home earlier than we planned. No, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do if mama cried. And at 10 PM we headed to Payakumbuh, West Sumatra. Where grandma’s last place. After 10 hours, we arrived in Payakumbuh. 10 hours is a very long time, caused by papa has trouble in driving at night. And he hasn’t been sleep yet too.

Grandma’s home was so crowded. And I walked inside the house right after mama. Then. I saw her. At the center of the room, you were laid on the bed. Covered with batik. Somehow, I wish I could see your chest breathing. I wish it was just a dream…

And, it was my turn to kiss her. The last kiss. I saw her face. My tears ran down. No, I couldn’t do this.. I didn’t want these teardrops fall on her face. I moved back because I need a few minutes to control my emotions. And when the right time came, I saw her beautiful face, I kissed her cheeks on both side and her forehead, like she used to. She laid on her bed like sleeping beauty. She was sleeping and so beautiful. Ya Allah, make her safe at Your most beautiful place.

If I could have just one more day and wishes did come true, I’d spend every glorious moment side by side with you. But I must accept the truth.

Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you had, what you lost and what you took for granted. S0 appreciate ‘what you have’ before it becomes ‘what you had’.